Friday, June 29, 2012

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

I am tired. I am sick. I hurt. I have trouble concetrating. I feel angry. I am losing weight. I have no appetite. I am sad. I feel like doing dishes or laundry is a over whelming task. I feel like walking up the stairs is exhausting. I feel like a bad mother to my beautiful daughter because I simply can't play a lot of days. I have sleep disturbances. I never want to do anything. I have mood swings. I feel like a bad wife. I have no sex drive. I feel confused. I miss the feeling of excitement. I am tired of crying. I miss enjoying time with my friends and family. I need answers. After extensive amounts of blood work, numerous doctors, thousands of dollars in medical bills, an endoscopy and colonoscopy I still have no answers. So, my next step after reading hundreds of posts from women just like me is getting my Mirena removed. It CANNOT be coincidence that we are all suffering the same symptoms! It is so frustrating because our doctors keep turning us away saying we are crazy or that the Mirena is very safe and can't cause these symptoms. Well, I would like to say I think THEY are crazy for believing that such a new drug can't possibly be causing women to feel like they are literally dying! There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I have cancer or if I am slowly being poisoned because that is just how badly I feel. After doing a lot of research I have read that women who have the Mirena or who have recently had the Mirena removed are being tested for Silicone poisoning and they are finding horribly high levels of silicone in their blood. Which, in case you didn't know.... the Mirena is encased in silicone. Coincidence.... I think NOT!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Making Changes

I have been sitting here staring at a blank screen thinking about what to write.... thinking about what has been on my mind. I came to realize LIFE has been on my mind. Not only my life, or the life of my family, but the life of people from my past as well. I have been worried, confused, and sometimes angry with decisions some people make. I know I can't control how other people feel or how they choose to live their life, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to ignore how it makes me feel. I have been blessed with having the courage and strength to change my life for the better. I have realized that having a happy family is what matters most to me. I just wish and pray that others could put their family before their own selfish acts. Don't get me wrong, I still like to have fun, but I know where to draw the line. I know that getting behind the wheel of a vehicle after I have been drinking can possibly be the last time I get behind the wheel of a vehicle ever again. I know that my daughter may have to live the rest of her life without a mother..... just because I thought it was OK to drive drunk. It took some time and some self control to finally grow up, but I have. I am not saying I have learned everything I need to know, because I definitely haven't! But, I am saying I have grown into a responsible and respectable mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. And I must admit.... it feels damn good! Four years ago I was ashamed of who I was and how I was living my life. I avoided the people who truly loved and cared for me because I knew they were going to try to help me, and to be completely honest I just wasn't ready for their help. I didn't even know if I wanted to change. I was afraid that it might actually take REAL WORK to be a better person.... to be a person with a purpose. I was stuck! I was stuck in the whole "bar scene" and just about everyone I hung out with was too. Regardless of my family telling me these people are no good for you and that they don't want to see you succeed because let's face it... misery loves company... I still stuck around them. After wasting about four years of my life I got the opportunity to make a change by moving to North Carolina and I went for it! I had "friends" saying "oh she won't last....I give her X amount of months." But, you know what.... I did make it! I have changed my life! I wake up every morning and am proud of the woman I have become! I have my priorities exactly the way they should be. I don't need the bar, alcohol,or drama in my life. I need what really matters to me and that is my family, friends, and my own self worth. I now have the tools to teach my daughter to be a respectable young lady and that is what life is about.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

My Sweet Child

My sweet child. I love you more than words can ever say. You are the greatest gift God has given me. The day you were born was the beginning of a new life for myself and your daddy. It was the beginning of the life I have always dreamed of. When I saw your teeny tiny little body I knew instantly it was my honor to protect you, teach you, love you, encourage you, and give you the best life I know how. I am here today as your mother with the promise to make sure all of those things are always taken care of. 

I will protect you from everything I possibly can. I will make sure you know you can always count on me. If something or someone ever scares you, please let me know! I will not judge. I will simply be there to make sure you are okay. If you are ever unsure, come to me, and I will help you as much as I possibly can. You are my daughter. I will protect you. 

I will teach you all I have learned in life and I will stand behind you in hopes that you will teach me what you are learning. You will never stop learning. I will teach you to love yourself and to love others. Love yourself for the beautiful and intelligent child that you are. God has blessed you with an indescribable and infectious personality.You are YOU and please don't ever feel the need to change who you are, because you are amazing. Love others. If you care about someone let them know. You can never love someone too much. I will teach you to respect yourself, because when you respect yourself you will learn to respect others as well. There is nothing negative that can come with respect, so please always remember to show respect to yourself, other children, and your elders. I will teach you to have compassion. You already come by it naturally because you have such a big heart. Compassion is a gift, a gift that gives you the ability to understand how other people feel and to feel what other people feel. When you can feel what other people feel, you are alive. You are one with humanity. The world might try to teach you that humanity is evil, but I will try to teach you otherwise. There is still so much beauty in life, and I hope you are always able to see, feel, touch, and most importantly LIVE a beautiful life. I will teach you to always keep your faith in God. For when you trust in God everything else will fall into place. Have faith! Please, always have faith. I will never stop teaching you. 

I will LOVE you. I will always love you. My love is unconditional. I promise to you that even when you think I am being mean or unfair, it is because I love you. Believe me when I tell you, I only want what is best for you. I will let you know every single day how much I love you. And remember, you can never say "I Love You" enough. 

I will encourage you. My personal mission is to encourage you to be your best YOU! I will be supporting you behind every dream, goal, and idea you will ever have. I will be your #1 fan. You can always count me in! I will encourage you to be your best.

I promise to give you the best life I possibly can. I believe life is what you make it, so therefore I will try my best to instill a positive attitude towards life in you. I want you to see the world through happy eyes. I want you to live the life you are meant to live. I will give you a beautiful life. 

Lastly, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for showing me the beauty in life that I can now show you. I love you Lexiana.